Combustion
by TenTenD
Summary: Ho Gae follows his path, not unwillingly, but not happily either. He is a man tormented by his choices and the decisions of those around him. And he is constantly abandoned by those he cares for. Ho Gae is a man for who love does not bring salvation. Instead he is dragged deeper into his own personal hell.


_i_

Ho Gae remembers every little detail of his first meeting with Kiha. He can still see the duty road and the galloping horse. Ho Gae recalls with perfect clarity the tilt of her head and the horrified look on her face at the thought of being crushed under strong hooves. But mostly, Ho Gae recollects the wild beating of his heart and the torpor that spread over him. Just like when he's drinking tea.

It's still the same. His world stops turning when she's next to him and whatever he wants narrows down to her wishes. And there are times when he wishes it weren't so. There are times when Ho Gae wants to be free of Kiha and the pain she causes; this sweet ache breaks him apart slowly. Kiha takes small pieces, so tiny that they should not be missed. Yet Ho Gae feels the void. Whatever he does he finds no way to fill this emptiness. Because despite the fact that Kiha is by his side now – or rather he is by her side – she is not really there.

The truth – his truth – is that Kiha has been gone a long time. Who knows is she was ever here to begin with? Certainly not he. The tea slides down his throat smoothly.

_ii_

Kiha pours the tea, the precision in her movement almost cutting. Ho Gae looks doubtfully at the liquid. Still he picks the cup up, steady hands bringing it close to his lips. The aroma spreads about him, steam rolling from the porcelain. Ho Gae gingerly places his lips close to the rim. Heat radiates to his face just shy of burning his mouth. He takes a sip; the tea is bitter. As Ho Gae looks up, he sees Kiha watching him intently. Her gaze, by contrast is cold, and the blood freezes in his veins. So Ho Gae drinks again.

"Is this alright?" Kiha asks. Her countenance does not soften, but she's somehow warmer this time. Her cup of tea stand untouched on the polished table.

This odd domesticity doesn't suit them. "It is perfectly fine," Ho Gae replies. He places his cup strategically before hers. "Is there anything I can do for you?" Because that is why she keeps him around.

The light plays on her face and it looks like she's smiling. "No. Just drink your tea," she instructs. Solemnity and melancholy mingle inside of her.

"I cannot understand you," Ho Gae confessed and something that tastes strangely like bitterness fills his mouth. Scared eyes – the eyes of a boy whose mother died in his arms, the gaze of a man whose father met his death by poison, the look of a man who is barely holding on – are drawn to her. She is the only thing that makes sense to him in this world, but he doesn't really understand her.

Wary of everything – the blood, the fighting, the death – Ho Gae longs to find peace. As always it eludes him and all that remains in this sickening, thrilling feeling he gets whenever Kiha is near. His head is spinning and his heart might burst. Ho Gae may not understand her but he loves her and that is enough. It is enough for him to follow her at the ends of the earth if he must.

"Ho Gae," she says. His name on her lips, Ho Gae likes that.

_iii_

The tavern is filled with people. Ho Gae is not exactly sure why he's here but this is where his feet have taken him. So the man sits down, the cup before him empty. There is no more tea for him to drink. Ho Gae signals for the woman who served him.

This time however he is approached by a young female in a lily white dress. Ho Gae looks up and is surprised to see a pair of wide eyes on him. She is pretty. Yet frightened. Her gaze speaks of a deep fear, but Ho Gae can't remember ever having seen her before. Although to be fair she does seem rather familiar. He just can't place her. A beat later, her face becomes a friendly mask, full lips curving in a half smile.

"Tea," he tells her, voice a soft command. This woman reminds him of summer days and sweet cakes. It's not particularly unpleasant.

"Right away," she answers. The sweet tones of her voice carry to his ears. "Would that be all?" Her hands are clenched in the luminous material of her skirts.

"Yes," Ho Gae replies curtly. He watches her walk away, the ashen brown of her hair swaying behind her. She looks fragile, something Ho Gae has never thought would appeal to him. Yet the petite form that glides away from him tempts him.

Placing a few coins on the table, Ho Gae makes his way outside. He finds the woman, young and ever delicate, with a tray in her hands. She bows to him. "I'll be there in a short moment." But Ho Gae doesn't want to wait. He's done enough waiting to last him a lifetime.

China and wood slip from her minute fingers. Ho Gae pulls her flush against him because she does not look strong like all the women in his life. The unknown woman struggles in his hold. Her resistance only makes his arms wound tighter around her. Kiha won't let him hold her like this. She does not need him. The abruptness of her surrender brings something out in Ho Gae. Glancing down at her, he observes the tears streaming down her face.

"Why do you cry?" He does not even know this girl. A roughened thumb brushes one of the salty drops away. "Tell me why it is you cry."

Instead of answering, she recoils from his touch. "I have to go." With that she runs back into the tavern, her steps deceptively light.

Ho Gae doesn't see the tremor in her limbs or the crestfallen look she bares. But best of all, he doesn't know that the woman he held so carefully is none other than the sister of the one he loves. Ho Gae certainly does not remember Sujini, the girl who always lingered at Dam Duk's side. Why should he? She was never of any importance to him.

Looking up at the sky, Ho Gae sighs deeply from within his chest. There is still something achingly familiar about the woman in white.

_iv_

"Where have you been?" Kiha demands to know. Her voice is not angry or impatient. She is still the same Kiha, cool and collected, without emotion. However, her hand on his arm clenches and Ho Gae could swear he feels a wave of heat.

Once, not too long ago – but not very recent either – Ho Gae has told Kiha that she is all the goodness left with him. And now he sees it all clearly for the first time. The path she leads him on is filled with corpses and regrets and bitterness. Despite it all, Ho Gae loves Kiha today more than he did yesterday. Tomorrow he'll love her more than he does today. Her eyes hold forever and Ho Gae yearns for that eternity. He wishes for her heart more than he wants anything else. For that he is willing to kill the goodness within him – if any is left – and conquer the world for Kiha. He'll be her champion.

"You weren't here!" she accuses, eyes wide and face set in a frown.

Nodding his head, Ho Gae discards his sword. "I went out for a walk."

Soft hands are perched on his shoulders the moment he sits down. "You are of use to me here," Kiha reminds him. She looks awfully like a lonely girl at this moment.

"I see," he replies.

_v_

An arrow flies by him and Ho Gae's eyes try to find the archer. He sees his cousin, the King riding out to battle. Where is the archer?

That is when he notices her. Next to Dam Duk is a woman. He has seen her before. The serving maid at the tavern is riding alongside his cousin. She is still pretty. Even from afar, in a field of death, stained by the blood of her enemies, she is so very pretty.

Ho Gae lets out a bitter chuckle. But she is not weak. She is not in need of protection. That seems to be a trait all the women in his life share. They are all strong, resilient creatures to whom he is merely a puppet on strings. Ho Gae dances to the tunes they sing. His sword cuts through the opponents, but his gaze is fixed on Sujini. With a start he realises she must be that sister Kiha longs to find. It's a strange thing, because they are not alike, Kiha and she.

Dam Duk must have caught his stare, for his stare too travels to Sujini. There is a question passed between the King and his companion. Ho Gae looks away. He should stop pursuing things that can never be his. He concentrates on the fight. The maiming and killing is something he can handle. It's uncomplicated, straightforward and he loves it. His heart doesn't twist and his stomach doesn't feel like it's turning about. The violence he can understand.

He throws his cousin a challenging look. It is too late for any other kind of exchange between the two of them. So Ho Gae greets the carnage.


End file.
